Sunday, 13 October 2013

♡ nothingness ♡

i am slowly sinking.
and nothing feels real.
i listen to the same song
so many times
it doesn’t even make sense
word after word of nothingness.
it’s getting colder
and i’m never dressed
for the occasion.
freezing to death at the bus stop
mini skirt stretched tight over
stretchmarked thighs
stop telling me i’m beautiful
because i will never believe you.
a thousand pairs of eyes
on me.
with every van that passes
another creep
that thinks i put this on
for them
and them alone.
and i wish i was brave enough
to give them the finger.
but the truth is
i’m scared of everyone
and everything.
i want to make them scared
to even look at me
monroe and mansfield 
red lips
tiny waist
full hips
sex
sex
sex
i do it all for you
but you never see it.
my life is a performance
no one came to watch.
i need you here 
just so i know i’m real
even if only for the night.
i know it’s bad 
but i just want to share a cigarette with you
the disapproving looks
of my mother
my father with his smokers cough. 
finally giving up 
eighteen years too late.
and i think about the funerals
of my loved ones
all the time
what’s the point of all this
if we’re only headed for the grave
last stop: death.

Tuesday, 17 September 2013

♡ the end ♡

i miss the hickeys on my neck
the arm around my waist 
the feeling of content
that my search for someone was over. 
i don’t miss the insecurities 
that plagued me every second
the feeling that i wasn’t enough
for you
(or anyone)
and the frown on my mother’s face
when i said i was staying the night.
some may call it self sabotage
i call it self help.
how can i ever love another 
when i don’t even love myself?
i don’t regret a single thing
but in the end
my thoughts got too intense
and my warped idea of what love is
shattered the illusion 
that everything was perfect.
so now it’s just me
and my thoughts again
"what could i have done to save us?"
the answer is “nothing”
because i couldn’t even save myself
from pressing “self destruct”.
i guess the only thing that can save me
is the city
with its bright lights
big dreams
and fresh starts. 

Saturday, 17 August 2013

♡ manic pixie nightmare ♡

sad boys 
with sad eyes
with sad 
crumpled packets
of marlboro lights
left to rot in the back pockets
of their sad skinny jeans
alongside the memories 
of that one girl
the taste of whom
still resonates on their tongue
six months later.
sad boys
with their sad record players
and their sad stacks of vinyls
covered in dust
completely untouched
because every song
reminds them of that one girl. 
but underneath their super cool image
their tortured poet’s soul
buried right at the bottom 
of their vintage 
distressed leather satchel 
are the same misogynistic
narrow minded
arrogant views
of every other boy in the world.
their manic pixie nightmare
that they will spend the rest of
their sad lives trying to find 
only to discover 
that she doesn’t exist
and the next best thing
is a girl with a shitty stick and poke
adorning her right thigh
self harm scars
from that suicide attempt three years ago
and uneven hair extensions
who’ll break their heart
their sad tiny heart
just like the rest of them
if the thought of her crimson blood
blossoming like scarlet poppies 
in the clear blue of the bathwater 
doesn’t drive them away first. 
was i stupid 
to even think
that any of these boys
with their sunken cheekbones 
and frail wrists
would take one look at my size 16 hips
the outward curve of my stomach
the stretch marks scattered across my sides
and think i was beautiful too? 

Sunday, 7 July 2013

♡ LDN ♡

i am dreaming of
moving day
out with the old
in with the new
hauling box after box
up the creaking staircase
squatting on the floor for hours
with only a bottle of red
and bowie on the turntable
to keep me company
as i try hopelessly
to construct the pieces 
of my brand new
odda 

i am dreaming of
the last tube home
running in heels
i struggle to walk in at the best of times
bright lights reflected in the puddles 
holding your hand
as i fumble in my bag 
for my oyster card 
with the other

i am dreaming of the
morning after
tangled in the sheets with you
breakfast in bed
and your breath warm on my lips.

i am dreaming of
drinking on the balcony
the plant pots with their delicate flowers
waving in the breeze 
the pansies with their smiling faces
reminding me that everything will be fine
and that i did the right thing
as i wait for you to come home
sneak up behind me
and wrap your arms
around my waist.

i am dreaming of
late night
early morning
supermarket treks
rubbing the sleep from my eyes
as i scan the isles for my favourite yoghurts
carrier bag grooves
etched into my palms
as i struggle with too many bags
and that blissful sense of relief
when i wrench the door open
and dump them all on the floor.

i am dreaming of
washing day
lights and darks
trying to figure out
how to use the ancient washing machine
that the previous owners left
because i’m too cheap to buy a new one.

i am dreaming of train times
illuminated on the station board
clutching my tickets in my sweaty palm
as the train rolls in
ten minutes late
just like the buses back home
weaving my way through a sea of seats
past the men and women
suited and booted
sipping their vitamin water
and flicking through email after angry email
on their super hi tech 
high maintenance netbook
and breathing a sigh of relief as i sit down. 

i am dreaming of
going home
my teenage bedroom
christmas dinner
and telling them all
what a great time i’m having
then hearing them say
for the first time in forever
how proud they are of me.

Monday, 3 June 2013

♡ next wednesday night ♡

i am counting down the days
crossing each one off
with the pink pen

i am putting my lipstick on
(red for danger)
(trouble ahead)

i am practicing my smile in the mirror
(too wide)
(too bright)
(too fixed)

i am walking into the room
i am fixing my gaze on you

i am watching as you come over
(forget the introductions)
(i know you better in my head than you know yourself)

i am making eye contact
as we talk about our favourite bands
(pulp)
(palma violets)
(peace)

i am laughing a little too loudly
as you tell me a rather unfunny story
about your cat

i am watching you walk away
i am watching you snake an arm around her waist

i am watching you
watching her

are you watching me too?

Wednesday, 29 May 2013

♡ sleepsong ♡

lights out
headphones in

the neon hands on the clock face
read 1:20am

and suddenly
in the dead of night
the sheer and utter darkness
makes my once large problems
seem
so
small.

but by 2:35am
the night begins to drag
(not again)
seemingly endless
sleep escapes me

time stands still.

i think of you
of her
of me
of us
of them
of everyone

awake in dreams.

6:32am
as i watch the sun rise
life begins again

today is another day
life goes on
(without you).

Monday, 20 May 2013

♡ stagecoach serenade ♡

at the back of the bus

on a warm july evening

i kiss your cheek

hazy in the evening sunlight

the bright hue of your pink hair

glows neon

i wind a strand round my finger

pull you in closer

and i know i'm home

before i've even pressed

"stop".